You would think I would be in the bed. I only got about 2 hours of good sleep last night and I am dog tired. I just can't stop my thoughts from running off. There are a million things going through my mind; I'm trying to reconcile another miscarriage (2 in almost 4 years) and I can't. Is it part of some plane? Maybe it is divine judgement? The supper religious statement is that I am building character. But none of this makes it any easier. None of it helps bring meaning. The only time I can remember feeling this frail and human was the last time this happened to us; the last time we lost a child. Am I that selfish? Is this more about the absence of control or about a child. I really disgust myself...maybe it is judgement.
Why does the feeling of frailty cause us such grief? When it's financial or even medical we still have a since of control; like there is something more we can do. There is still a feeling of hope. For a cancer victim there is the hope of chemo or radiation. For the financial struggle there is the hope of assistance from a friend or relative; the hope that pinching pennies will help. But something like this is completely out of my hands; there is nothing I can possible do. I pray God will help me come to some clairity on hope because one of the points in my sermon this Sunday is about that very subject; HOPE. How will I ever be able to preach that message in the shape Im in?
I don't even know if this blog makes sense. If it doesn't just chalk it up to no sleep. All I know is the journey I am on is not a fun one. It is like being strapped into the passenger seat of a car you don't want to be as you watch a maniac take you for a drive. I'll let you know how the trip goes. Good night guys!!!
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Cant Sleep
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2 comments:
Hey, brother, know that you, Mary Kathryn, and Cooper are all in my prayers. May our Savior grant you the faith and strength to follow His sovereign plan, and to continue the work that you are doing for His glory. You both are a great example to many in this generation and the ones to come.
Dearest Andy & Mary Kathryn,
You are both in my thoughts and in my prayers. I wish I could take your pain away. My favorite scripture is found in Psalm 139 and my prayer is that it brings you both comfort:
"Lord, you have examined me and know all about me. You know when I sit down and when I get up. You know my thoughts before I think them. You know where I go and where I lie down. You know thoroughly everthing I do. Lord, even before I say a word, you already know it. You are all around me--in front and in back--and have put your hand on me. Your knowledge is amazing to me; it is more than I can understand. Where can I go to get away from your Spirit? Where can I run from you? If I go up to the heavens, you are there. If I lie down in the grave, you are there. If I rise with the sun in the east and settle in the west beyond the sea, even there you would guide me. With your right hand you would hold me. I could say, "The darkness will hide me. Let the light around me turn into night." But even the darkness is not dark to you. The night is as light as the day; darkness and light are the same to you. You made my whole being; you formed me in my mother's body. I praise you because you made me in an amazing and wonderful way. What you have done is wonderful. I know this very well. You saw my bones being formed as I took shape in my mother's body. When I was put together ther, you saw my body as it was formed. All the days planned for me were written in your book before I was one day old. God, your thoughts are precious to me. They are so many! If I could count them, they would be more than all the grains of sand. When I wake up, I am still with you."
We have three precious souls that were fearfully and wonderfully made by God and are awaiting our homecoming in heaven one day! My baby, your brother or sister, and your two children, my grandchildren are with Jesus awaiting our homecoming!
We don't have to understand the "whys" of the deep hurts and losses God allows in our lives, but we can trust and grow in our faith along this narrow road we're travelling everyday. We can have HOPE, and peace and yes, even joy, IN CHRIST JESUS in the middle of our storms of life.
Just know that your Creator will carry you both and just draw close to him and close to each other during this time of grief, and do allow yourselves to grieve.
I love you,Andy, Mary Kathryn and Cooper so very much and thank the Lord for your testimonies, your salvation, and the call on your lives everyday!
All my love,
Mama
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